i haven't written in so long. its almost like my mind runs so fast, i run out of what i'd like to say. even though i have so much to say. i couldn't imagine getting started. I SHOULDN'T BLOG AT 4 AM!
almost every night, i dream about living in ny. the trains are faster, yet scarier, the people are bolder and approach me or i dream up problems. as if my family of the millennium doesn't stress me out enough with the routine questions every half hour. "where are you going?" "with who? ... and who is that?" even when i was in ny, my mother always asked where i was going and what i was doing; as if she'd ever meet anyone. my mother wont even meet my friends in MARYLAND. and then she pulls the wild card every now and again with "you cant go out with them, i don't know them!" remember that i'm 20.
i've realized recently that i have trouble with authority. i look at all men as if their significant and hold power over myself; thats probably a terrible quality. but i'm never really been the dominant one in all of my 3 relationships.
i came home for aleck's birthday last week. he was amazing. we spent most of the week together. the only other people i really saw were alex, adrian eddie and his ass hole friends. i didn't really care to see anyone though. i came home for alecks. (and l'ore, even though i missed their last show. -___-) adrian and i have recently become friends again. i'm not sure what to say. i think i'll always have some sort of feelings for him. but i guess i can cope. we're moving to africa together:)!!!! i guess if there's a black guy to bring home to my parents, might as well be the one with the largest vocabulary and biggest goals. JUST KIDDING. i'm hooking alecks up with his little sister when we all move to africa. we already started picking out colors. haha i never thought we'd get along like we do now. its better than it was before even though they're two different relationships. i wish i could get my feelings straight. i didn't mean to lie to alex newman. i just would never want to hurt him. ever. there are certain people that legitimately mean a lot to me. IE alex, adrian, omar, eddie, gary, muffin. you know, the people that can send my head SPINNING with confusion. i'm extremely grateful for these people, but i often find the relationships undefined. sometimes because i cant find myself easily, sometimes because i cant find them either. at some point, most of these relationships have strangled me, taken control and really hurt me. i've been told i'm hard to read, but i'd say i'm pretty clear. its black and white with me. and i always want whats the most unattainable.
if i had a candle to let free representing every person thats hurt or confused me,
tonight i'd light the candles and set them free into the ocean.
too bad its been pouring down rain since 7.
looks like you're not going anywhere.
when the weather cools down like it has lately, i remember my senior year in high school. i remember the crisp smell of the neighborhood, the same familiar dogs barking in the morning, and the walk i managed most mornings. my bus stop was half a mile away. GAY! but i liked walking it on mornings like these. i remember jimmy and my own relationship my senior year. the control he had over me. i remember how he accused me of liking/hooking up with gus. gus has now been my best friend for 5 years, i believe. maybe 6 now. i remember emotions i'd never want to feel again. he lied. he wasn't whom he claimed to be. so i tried to peel my own skin off my muscles. i still couldn't leave him. i didn't know who i was without him. everything was fake, everything was a lie. what we had, it didn't last. i have ADD!
NEXT TIME I'LL WRITE, sorry.
It starts out like a season in reverse
A way to set your mind above and over words
(Like) attached means (your) identity
Erases things so how can we record?
Distress call code-word is I wanna live
He makes it up as it goes, it goes away
To places he can only hide in other people's minds
Ah he makes it up as it goes
It goes away
Your rational mind's insane
Taste the sound you make
When the light from the sun
It's the story that never gets old
Or the light from the sun
It is your mother
Attached means identity
Erases things so why should we...
Distress call code-word is I wanna live
He makes it up as it goes, it goes away
To places he can only hide in other people's minds
Ah he makes it up as it goes
With an effortless smile
You pervade to be
And in-between aisles
They would stay and stare to see
With an effortless smile
You pervade to be
Always in-between aisles
Optimistic daring me
would you trade your soul for gold?
