over these past few months that i've been home (or rather away from new york) i've had a lot of time to myself. well. i don't have to work 3 jobs anymore haha. but i've had a lot of time to think about the effects people have taken on me and how i've changed.
example: brandon. i've grown a lot stronger yet agile. i refuse to be put in a position to be hurt and i'd rather be the one to hurt. i've learned to get the upper hand on those scarce relationships of mine.
inevitably, such circumstances have come back to bite me in the ass. i've never cared so much about someone that i hurt so bad. i was aloof and unaware. he didn't deserve such heartache, such misfortune. we've been friends for a year. at first we would just go for car rides around staten island. and we would talk. i felt like i could tell him anything. it was the best friendship in the world. and i remember the night i told him i liked him. a day or so later, we went on something along the lines of a date. and it involved fish heads. haha it was amazing. i just wish he'd kissed me. that would have changed everything. i wouldn't have done so many stupid things after that.
i regret flirting with someone in front of him. i regret not seeing him much in febuary and march. and i regret letting him go. most of all, i regret not having him while it was an option.
when i lived in ny, i was busy. very busy. i didn't have a boyfriend, i didn't have any lovers. i had my heart crushed right in front of me. but i was able to recover. with the help of gary. i honestly cant recall anyone i'd really dated other after the tattoo/slumber party at manzi's. and my shopping for someone that wasn't anything but temporary.
moving on. i spent a lot of my time in ny, making friendships or alone. i honestly couldn't imagine how terrible i would have been in a relationship. i just didn't sit still long enough to be in one. and i was still in my recovery process and learning to cope with being on my own in a city where i didn't have anyone to turn to when i needed any help.
i've come to realize that a relationship is something i have to prepare for. it's not something that i can just walk into blindfolded. i should never again date someone before knowing them. its not that i regret it, but i gave them something that they didn't earn.
dear brown eyed captin:
i'm just being honest. it shouldn't have been eddie. and as for you, it shouldn't have been (the other) lauren. it should have been us. when you were ready, i wasn't. i wasn't ready for a relationship with sean or richie. i shouldn't have tried. and i appoligize for not following my heart. or being honest with you about what i felt. i should have been honest from the beginning. these feelings have developed over time. i wish i wasn't such an idiot before. i wish i wasn't such an idiot. lately i've spent time evaluating who i am. and i realized i want you in my future and i'm writing this is pen. i've never been so sure about anything. i spent a lot of time deliberating my future. and honestly, i wanted to go back to ny because i always imagine you there. "they let us play with markers, but i keep trying to draw infinity"
i want to have a beautiful home and an amazing tattooed wedding.
and i want a chinese shar pei and a happy family.
this is here for everyone to see. i'm admitting how i feel and i love you.
